Infidelity – An affair is not the end


Whether a One-Night Stand or affair – a fraud can destroy much. It was the now with the relationship? May not. The affair can be a Wake-up call – and Much better than ever before.

When Stephan used to be nights on the road, couldn’t Mary sleep. The fear that your friend might end up, instead of coming home, in bed with another woman, kept it light. Finally, this is what happened exactly: Stephan cheated, confessed the affair, and Mary’s world collapsed.

For many couples, the story ends here. Too big and destructive, that’s a fraud to often feels. Maria and Stephan are still together. Not only that, but Twelve years and two children later, Mary says that the breach of trust of, at the time, has strengthened the trust in the relationship between the two even. Seriously?!

Foreign-goers we are all

The question of what motivates people to go to foreign, also employs the psychologist and psychotherapist Kristin Gilbert. Together with colleagues, she has explored more than ten years ago within a project at the TU Braunschweig, the circumstances of a affair favor.

More: there is No life without love

With the help of the in the study, collected the data, the scientists developed a therapy specifically designed for couples whose relationship has been shattered by infidelity. Gilbert’s conclusion: Potential foreign-goers we all are. At least then, when certain risk factors come together.

Who is Stephan likes traveling, knows many people and parties, love, the a lot more opportunities not equal, as someone who leaves his microcosm rarely. “Contextual risk factors” called Gilbert.

Opportunities alone are not of course automatically unfaithful. “Often the partnership and especially the sexual satisfaction low,” says Gilbert of the surveys at that time. As satisfaction decreases, often with the duration of the relationship, the willingness to be unfaithful. The psychologist speaks of the “partnership risk factors.”

More: the dispute in the partnership: Who fights, loses

Children increase this risk usually. Stephan only a few months after the birth of the first child with Mary was unfaithful. “He stood at the very back of my priority list,” she explains the Situation of that time. What would be the condition of many women for the Rest of your life trauma seems to have Mary completely digested. How did you manage that?

Freedom by Cheating

At least not without some therapy, says Maria. With the help of the therapist, Maria, and Stephan looked at the patterns that have controlled their behavior as a Couple is crucial. It is what sums up Kristin Gilbert, under “individual risk factors” together.

“An important point that is faithful to concept: The more liberal my attitude to monogamy and Fidelity, the higher the probability that I’m cheating,” says Gilbert. A major motivation of the scientists surveyed foreign-getter was also the desire for freedom and autonomy.

More on this: monogamy is just an invention

So also in the case of Stephen: In therapy, he realized that he saw as soon as he put his freedom in danger – again and again, for him, important things destroyed. In the end, he did not harm only to others, but also themselves.

The offender and the victim – who is who?

The scammers of the perpetrators, the Deceived is the victim. About social consensus overall. Also, Maria has felt. It is not wrong. However, it is not the whole truth.

“There are two levels that need to be distinguished,” says the psychologist and couple therapist, Hans-Georg Lauer. Who makes the step, and cheating will, of course, to the perpetrator. Who goes so far, it does not need to be surprised about the rage and the pain of the cheated partner.

The relationship dynamics, which is often the breeding ground and the reason for the infidelity, however, involved both partners, so wait. That’s not a bad message. Finally, room for manoeuvre is where the responsibility is. So it felt to Maria: “It didn’t make me remember, and totally relieved that I’m not the only victim.”

“Infidelity does not mean the end of a relationship,” says Lauer. The couple therapist outlines three steps that are necessary if the relationship is to still have a Chance. Not shown but also useful when anger and pain, life-long companion to keep.

First of all, it is a Minimum of trust. “It takes openness,” says Lauer. In his therapy sessions, the Deceived may, therefore, questions. “This strengthens the mutual understanding,” explains the psychologist. Besides, it’ll make the couples back talk capable. An important prerequisite for the potential restart of the relationship.

More: We need to talk!

Endure, endure, endure

With the issues of pain: “to make The fraud specifically, and give the unknown a name, also makes the pain is only really noticeable,” says Lauer. “Step one: questions to endure. Step two: pain to endure.” Who have a good Chance to overcome him creates.

Third, it is important to be aware that there is no hasty answers. “Some couples tend to be straight back to business as usual,” says Lauer. Often the fear of what could lurk in the depth was too great. Prefer to quickly accept what has happened, rather than the magnitude of the problem and uncertainty to endure. “But we are paying the price most of the time.”

Through crises of couples as a rule can make the rights of quantum jumps

It is worthwhile to take a look at the personal pattern of the two partners, is able to confirm Maria. Before she was with Stephan, she was frequently the affair, and thus part of a constellation that they did not develop beyond the Status of the secret Lover.

More: Happier Partner? Longer Life!

What doesn’t kill you makes you strong

In therapies of the – often unconscious – beliefs, apparently, that determine the path our life takes, often. “I’m not worth it, someone decides for me,” thought Mary. As Stephen was cheating on you, saw you in your worthlessness is confirmed.

However, Stephan remained. Nevertheless, it dragged him to the other woman, he decided to engage his own patterns of action break and next to Maria. To experience “that we went through this crisis has very much relaxed,” says Maria.

“A Couple walking together through a crisis, can make a quantum leap,” says Lauer. To Maria and Stephan, this is true. The topic of infidelity is not a bogeyman more. This is not only the fact that Mary has forgiven her husband and both of their action patterns are much more aware than they were before the fraud.

But Maria also has defeated her sense of worthlessness. “I always thought, if he goes foreign, I can’t stand it. This is going to kill me.” But she survived it. When Mary speaks today of one of the most difficult times of your life, she sounds grateful that all of this is exactly what happened.

  • 6 birds that are a life long (almost) faithful

    Rockhopper penguins

    Rockhopper penguins will remain still true, if the partners have several thousand kilometers away from each other: With tiny transmitters, researchers were able to produce the evidence. Seven out of ten couples have found each other after a long separation and hatching.

  • 6 birds that are a life long (almost) faithful

    Blue Tits

    Although around 90 percent of all bird species can be socially monogamous but not more than ten percent of them are really chaste. Blue tit females about happy to leave early in the morning to her Nest and the still-sleeping husband for a Quickie.

  • 6 birds that are a life long (almost) faithful


    Mute swans will bind a lifetime. But also in the case of the bird that serves as a model of Loyalty, often to the affair of females. Incidentally, this is good for genetic diversity. So make sure that all the eggs will be fertilized.

  • 6 birds that are a life long (almost) faithful


    Swans belong to the family of geese. Almost all goose species are socially monogamous. Unlike the swans, the care, together with nesting, will make the case of the geese, but only the females. The Chicks both take care of – but whether descended truly from the father?

  • 6 birds that are a life long (almost) faithful


    Most of the parrot and Parakeet species live in huge swarms, because it offers the birds protection from predators. However, form within the swarm are almost always monogamous couple, a whole life long.

  • 6 birds that are a life long (almost) faithful


    Storks are probably really mostly monogamous, only because of the Nistverhaltens. In this case, the male flies mostly before, and prepares the Nest. Only then will the females after coming out of the South. Because there are usually so many storks in one place, is likely to be difficult for the Cheating there.

    Author: Fabian Schmidt