A world is broken – When parents separate

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Parents may have good reasons, however, children moving away, the separation, often the ground under your feet. It must not, however, be no endless disaster, when the adults forget that they remain parents.

The development psychologist Harald Werneck remembers the twelve-year-old, had not eaten by the father-lubricated lunch. Then, it explained the Boy, had become the daddy so angry, that he got a divorce and moved out.

Children have their very own prospects, if the parents separate. You draw conclusions that may appear to the adult head is absurd. The children of such conclusions, a shape, however, is deep.

The fact is: The children are forgotten in the heat of the separation battle often. This is the observation of psychologists that come in this article to word. It is also the experience of the separation of children themselves, whose stories appear in this Text.

What parents who have decided that a separation is essential for your children to do? And what are the things you should not do – no matter how angry, sad and hurt you are?

More: the dispute in the partnership: Who fights, loses

Separation must be

“It was actually a pretty normal Morning,” says Corinna. To the mother of the then-nine-year-old into the living room bat and told that the father would take off. And today. Back to a confused and frightened girl who no longer understood the world.

A separation is not always bad for children? “No,” says psychologist and family therapist Beatrice Wypych. “If the parents have a fight during the relationship much, then a separation for relaxation can help.”

Constantly warring parents have not been poisoned, only the atmosphere at home, you were so busy with themselves that the children would not at all perceive, says Wypych. The relationship and thus also of the eternal conflict ends, the young back into focus.

With many children, however, talked to little. You feel the tension and hostility between their parents, they don’t understand. “Don’t communicate with the children, they remain with their feelings alone and try things derive,” says family therapist Wypych.

More: psychosomatic medicine: When the soul has a tummy ache

You’re not to blame!

Anica told that their parents had had a fight before the separation much. “My mom was always sad and as a child you were think to blame for it,” says the now 28-Year-old.

For the developmental psychologist, Harald Werneck, this child adoption is not a Surprise. “In particular, in the pre-school age children think in a very self-centered. Do you think that you have everything that happens in the world, contributed to more or less.”

Many parents have forgotten about simply tell the children that they are not to blame for the Failure of your relationship, says Werneck.

Corinna has been never to blame for the separation of their parents, however, it was expected that they positioned. Finally, her father had left the mother.

“My mother expected that we are mad at our father. That was the biggest mistake of my mother. You made your issues with my father, to our own,” says Corinna.

Although the separation marks the end of the couple’s relationship in the adult, does not mean you still long to the end of the rage, the sadness and the disappointment. And above all: The separation is not the end of Parenting.

Emotional Orphans

“Children whose parents are arrested in a fight, losing parts of both parents. They are like emotional orphans,” says Wypych, the login is also available as a right psycho.

The mother talks badly about the father, the father badly about the mother. The children are between them, and to be torn apart. A disturbed parent-child relationship is the natural consequence.

Vivian has had to cancel the contact to her father, because she could no longer endure the Cussing about her mother, his ex-wife,.

Anyone who blasphemes in front of the child about the ex-partner, not considering that every bad word about mom or dad meets the child itself. “A part of the child is permanently ill,” says Wypych. Therefore, the consequences for the self-esteem of the child can be massive.

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“Parents” means “parents”

Hostility between the parents is detrimental to children. Point. The adults like to keep their little acts of revenge, aggression, or mouthing the Ex-Partner for, nor justified, for the children it is cruel. All who have shared their personal experiences for this article to confirm.

“The key is whether the parents can manage to separate the Couple level from the parent level,” says Wypych. It is a feat of strength that seems to be often impossible. But still, there is no way around it.

The therapist recommends, therefore, to take a separation advice. Many non-profit organizations to offer something. It is important to convey to the children that they feel safe, and to come up with all their parents.

“There are children who are afraid to tell the parents something from the everyday life with the other,” says Wypych from experience.

If it was with dad is especially nice, you could make the mom very sad. When Papa learns what has allowed mom to me, he will be angry and there is a fight.

“This Test must consist of parents,” says Wypych. Only then could to make the child feel really secure.

For children’s safety and stability are the most Important – especially if the parents differ

Talk to me!

Anica’s father told his children stories of the one, true love. The fairy tale bubble burst, when he went for the umpteenth time foreign, and the parents finally divorced.

“I would have liked to see that you included us kids used to and not this fairy tale would have served,” says Anica.

“A child-friendly communication about the conflict” is also for the development of psychologists Werneck is a Must for parents who are separating. To clarify, especially to the already mentioned question of guilt completely.

More: post-traumatic growth: If the Trauma makes you stronger

Parents and friends

For all separated parents who have read up to here and now, breathe a sigh of relief, because you feel connected despite separation, friendship, and all conflicts are overcome: this is Also for children is not always easy.

“As adults and especially as psychologists, we would, of course, as the better situation to describe,” says Werneck. “The children ask, however, why did my parents split?”

Children, whose cry throw parents in the towel and go their separate ways, experiencing an improvement of everyday life. Children whose parents do not have for you obvious Problem, and yet, pull apart, feel it first and foremost as a great loss.

It is never too late

Separation children damn it so unhappy? “No,” soothed Beatrice Wypych. “I can always recommend again the book ‘It’s never too late to have a happy Childhood’.”

It is, as an adult with the issues that we have experienced as children, and classify them.

A possibility to perceive themselves solely as victims of incompetent parents, says Wypych. Or to ask the question: What did it get me? What skills have I acquired through the challenging experiences that help me in spite of everything, to living a fulfilled life?

Psychologists are agreed that the negative or positive interpretation of the history of life is decisive for the present happiness. “That sounds of course much simpler than it is,” admits Wypych.

A separation must be no endless disaster for children. If the parents see the world in between, with the eyes of their children and manage to remain parents.


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